She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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