If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
