I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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