Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
