You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
