oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He shit in the fireplace
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