after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
