You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
