OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
