The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
