There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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