I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
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