I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
