I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
