He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
