I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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