hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
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Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
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I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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