I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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