dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
