If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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