no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
