What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
