I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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