get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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