im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
