so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
