my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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