upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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