Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
