Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
