So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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