sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I will die if light touches me.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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