She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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