the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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