dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
