just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
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Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
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I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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