There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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