It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
