One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
