U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
