If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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