when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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