I just gift wrapped bread.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
