I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
