he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
