walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
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New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
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Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize