So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
