he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
honey bunches of taint.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
