Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
