we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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