just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
