I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
